After asking a few people and reading a lot of webpages about it, I decided to try and induce lactation. This is something that I had been considering for some time. I talked with a woman at a training who was getting small bits of milk and I knew that I wanted to try it.  So, I had started asking around about breast pumps. I couldn’t get my hands on a free one at the time.

Then, I asked our friend who is a social worker with A- county about breastfeeding foster kids.  Apparently, it requires a court order. At that time, we were still pretty far off from entering the matching process, so I let go of it.  We finished our PRIDE classes  and I had a renewed motivation to start pumping (but are still a few months from entering matching).  I figured, I would never regret trying to see if I can produce milk, even if we don’t have a kid that will breastfeed.  And the way that we are talking about setting our criteria, there is a good possibility that we would be able to get the court order to allow breastfeeding. Continue Reading »

Today marks 262 days that Sarah, Shane and Josh continue to be held in Iran for accidentally crossing the border on a hike. The campaign to free the hikers continues to be strong and the families (and moms, in particular) have been amazingly strong advocates for their release.  A saving grace is that they were able to speak to their kids on the phone recently and although Sarah is being held in isolation, she is able to see her friends every day. Continue Reading »

I wasn’t actually sitting on the wall.  Honestly, I was trying to stand up there. On one foot. Okay, I was also jumping up and down in circles. It didn’t really work, so I did fall and the pieces were messy, messy pieces that looked and felt a lot like swine flu.

The magic tripod that allows me to maintain a highly productive lifestyle collapsed. Some Exercise, Decent Diet and Stress Management (are the three legs) stopped happening. I KNEW it was a mistake, but I scheduled two big events on the same weekend. I cooked for the anarchist cafe AND organized and held a big meeting for a new project that I am launching. And of course, the former exposed me to a whole lot of germs in black hoodies. Continue Reading »

Foul Weather Friend definition from Urban Dictionary, Can you guess which one I am?

1.  The opposite of a fair-weather friend, a foul-weather friend only seeks you out if they have a problem, need a shoulder to cry on, a ride to town or someone to watch their dog, but otherwise they act as if they don’t even know you. They’re only your chum when they’re glum.
2. A foul-weather friend is someone who likes to be around you when you are unemployed, depressed and in the dumps. He/she feels sorry for you, and gets some pleasure out of feeling superior, handing out advice, berating you for having a bad attitude. As soon as you get out of the slump, get a job, get in shape, get a decent place to live, etc., the fair weather friend is jealous, and stops speaking to you. Continue Reading »

I remember my excitement about finding Facebook. Finally, a spot where a lot of my closest friends and, well…just everyone… are all in one place.  They were not all there when I started but most of them are now.  There was a rush of reconnecting with folks from high school and some ex’s and a period of weeding out those kids that grew up to be the kind of adults that flame my friends on my wall.  I tried out playing Zombies and did a little Super Poking and eventually sorted through the applications and the friends, groups, and pages that worked and made sense.  Facebook has become more prominent than email for my communication and has replaced my newsletter for my massage practice.  It really has become the center of my internet world, I often find my news there, correspond, check in, play some games and do some business. Continue Reading »

I got a credit card in high school because one of my friends told me that I should start working on my credit rating before I left home for college.  She was right, although maybe ahead of her time.  Actually getting the credit card gave me the opportunity to make up for the somewhat inadequate student loans that I was offered by putting my extra expenses on my credit card.  I hadn’t learned much about budgeting back then, although I did  relatively well, I did go into all kinds of different debt.

When I got out of school, I remained broke.  When it was time to start paying off my student loans, I was still broke.

By that time, I had figured out that I was much less likely to spend by not using a bank account and by not using a credit card.  It was the first time that I chose paper over plastic.  Rather than depositing my money and removing it slowly with a debit card, I cashed my check every month and budgeted that way. I found (and still find) that I am much less likely to spend if I am handing over bills than if I use a debit or credit card AND that I was much less likely to stay on a budget if I had a physical stash that I was using to monitor myself.

This is not really a groundbreaking discovery, but instead something that has been understood for quite some time.  A 2008 NPR story reports that this is psychologically rooted in that there is a difference in feeling between actually spending the money versus agreeing to pay the money at a future time.  It notes that the average spending at McDonald’s goes up from $4.50 with cash to $7.00 with credit.

Using cash only also supports my aesthetic and political sensibilities. I appreciate the added benefits of keeping my money local and under the radar.

More recently, I had some experience with bartering. It was a great way to practice massage without simply giving bodywork away. Barter served to build up my reputation, client and referral base. But the more skilled and busy that I have become, I have been less willing to barter. Sometimes, it ended up feeling like an unequal trade andother times it has created scheduling or tracking difficulties and stress.  I also ended up consuming many more services than I would normally, getting my hair done frequently and receiving private pilates instruction (although I do miss these things, they are just more extravagant than my budget actually allows.  I am at the point, where it is worth it to pay people for their work and for me to get paid for mine.  I have my schedule clear for paying clients and I can schedule with any provider that I want without dealing with feelings of obligation or micro-managing the relationship. It was as if I rediscovered the idea of money. It was invented for sensible reasons, but I know all about where good intentions lead…

I have been so busy.  My massage practice has been fully booked and is basically fully booked out until I go on a short vacation in February.  On my vacation, I go to the California Bluegrass Association Camp, which I like to affectionately refer to as “band camp”, so it will not be a completely relaxing vacation. It will be a change of pace and fun, though!

We finished our month of PRIDE classes, minus one that we missed because I was sick with exhaustion.  We will make that up in March and at the same time expect to be finished with the rest of our application by then, as well. Hey, maybe we will even get our taxes done from 2008 by then :)

When I haven’t been busy, I have just needed down time, time for self-care, time for vegging out and time to exercise my self and my dogs.

But, I am missing something. I am usually a very social person. I have noticed that when I do see people, it is more often than not a goal-oriented meeting.  Either they are getting a massage, I am dropping something off, or we have a project to talk about.  It reminds me of times when I sat lazily with a girlfriend and giggled on a bed with her.  I am missing some leisure, some extended intimacy, some chill time.

I have no shortage of folks that I would love this time with, but when I am so overscheduled, I become protective of the time that is not work-related.

On one of these few-and-far-between social outings, I visited with a friend and we discussed our favorite book. A line says something like, “I understand the difference between people and things.”  And I do know the difference, but when my life gets so bogged down with logistics, I am not sure of how much  it  matters.  Sigh…

So a goal for the rest of the year will be to tidy up my schedule, which means containing my work a bit and having days that are completely unscheduled that will free up this kind of emotional room.

I apologize for my long, unplanned absence.  I have heard it is bad blogging etiquette to just drop off the face of the earth with no explanation. It makes sense with the high rate of abandoned blogs and the fact that you may have reserved real estate for me on your home page.  I hope that my blog, like the ones that I read is an anticipated voice and journey. That being said, I have been reveling in my time without kids and it has been a nice break from writing about parenting, too.

Inevitable emotions came up around the holidays.  In making plans for Thanksgiving, I had a phone conversation that made my mom cry.  I am glad that my mom cries, I sort of like to cry.  But, it is not easy to have my mom cry, especially on the other end of the phone, especially with grief that has come through my channels.  Hanging out with other kids and having a more empty house both led to comparisons of  last year, when our lives were filled with beginnings, chaos and hope.

We had made it our goal for the last half of 2009 to spend time with kids that we know.  This ended up happening a lot, especially for J-, with trips to the zoo, the science museum, the movies and circus and childcare.  It was a real treat to hang out with kids that had some combination of being thoughtful, articulate, minding, having emotional control, and being able to process information that they were taking in.  At first, it was hard for me to relax around them. I was just expecting at any minute for them to lose it and to have to deal with some sort of big confrontation.  It was also validating and sad to see how developmentally behind T-7 really is.

The end of the year was punctuated by the fact that we would be re-entering the system in January (which we have).  We decided that we would be working directly through A- County and are halfway through the PRIDE classes. We will still have a logistically tedious licensing process ahead of us over the next few months, with CPR, fingerprinting, TB tests and references to deal with. Since we theoretically could be matched again in the summer,  it is time to clean up loose ends that have accumulated over the last year.

So, the beginning of the year has thus far been characterized by work.  My massage practice is the busiest that it has ever been, plus I am playing music 1-2 times per week and have a few new projects that I am starting.  J- decided to teach intersession at his university because we are paying off some preschool debt.  And, we have decided to make it a goal for our year to save the big bucks for a new roof.  Before we matched with the girls, we had tried to knock out any projects on the house that we would want done for a while.  I can’t say that we forgot about the roof, but it wasn’t really a realistic project at the time.  I am grateful that it has been holding up thus far in this weeks storm!

Other projects are happening in all parts of our lives.  Initially, we settled back into a few ofthe routines that we had pre-kid. Now, we are filling the time up with other things.  We are still considering a timeline and criteria for our next placement, but we will likely be licensed again by the summer.  Until then, we are going to make the most of a kid-free lifestyle.

Did anyone have a good year last year?  It seems to be consensus among everyone that I know that it was the worst year ever. Just about everyone in my community is thinking “Thank God It’s Over”!

I went to a zine reading the other night by my friend artnoose.  Ker-bloom! #81 was actually sub-titled Artnoose and the Terrible, Horrible, No-good, Very Bad Year.  She writes

My Inner Nietzsche berates me and says that those with power are the ones with the will to power. It ridicules my resentment because it says I can’t be angry at wolves for eating sheep. I hate the Inner Nietzsche; I think it’s a jerk.

Okay, well it is true that you can’t be angry at wolves for eating sheep, but that doesn’t make it suck any less for the sheep, right?  I think we are in just such a predicament, with the terms of our liveliehoods being so far from our choosing.  It is hard to not lose integrity, compromise or get screwed sometimes.

Of course on the most immediate level, my year was defined by 0ur adoption disruption, which J- and I agree is the hardest thing we’ve ever done.  The first months of the year, we spent attaching to T-4 and getting further distanced and discouraged by T-7. The end of the year was spent in recovery. One of the contributing factors to our decision was my mom getting diagnosed with breast cancer.

She has spent the year fighting it through western medical treatment, chemo, radiation etc.  It is not that simple of a story, of course.  She actually had breast cancer  many years ago, which she successfully fought and this new case emerged in the scar tissue of her masectomy. She noticed it some time ago and her doctors reassured her it was nothing. Time passed and eventually, she found a doctor to biopsy. Unfortunately, it had reached stage 2. Additionally, our go0d friend N-’s mom has been near death several times from leukemia. She and my friend  Anandi , who also has breast cancer are both uninsured.

Tristan Anderson got shot in the head by a teargas canister in March and fighting, literally on the edge of life for the rest of the year.  Tristan is not  close friend of mine, but he is a close friend of friends and is a long-time acquaintance. The good news is that it sounds like the setbacks to his healing are behind him and although he has sustain serious cosmetic and cerebral damage, his is finally accomplishing some recovery.

My friends, the hikers were detained in Iran at the end of July.  And still detained. I think of them daily and hope that their spirits are strong. I have so many feelings about this, but there are just too many words to open them here.

I have had many friends experiencing nasty and tragic breakups, the most public of which is zombie mom.

I kinda hate to even mention it in the same context as these other things, but Obama sure has turned out to be a big disappointment to the far left on many counts. (I never really believed it to begin with, but I am sad for the folks that had such high hopes.)  While in 2008, people were getting pregnant with Obama babies all over the place, this year has been.

Good Riddance!

I had a new client recently that had experienced the tragic loss of a baby. At 24 weeks of pregnancy, just a few weeks before viability of the fetus, she experienced a life threatening illness that resulted in the emergency abortion/delivery of the baby. Not only did I relate to her loss, but I was struck by the way that she told her story to me. It was obvious that she had related this story to people many times. She told it somewhat matter-of-factly, but not without conveying how traumatic it has been for her. She pre-empted the big questions that a health-care practitioner were likely to ask, by simply stating that yes, her health issues have resolved and she and her husband have been doing grief counseling.

As she talked so…efficiently, it led me to imagine how many times she has probably told this story. I remember choosing my therapist, in part because I knew that I wouldn’t have to explain the entire story from start. It seemed tortuous to talk to a new therapist after having had 5 therapists and 4 social workers involved along the way. Did I have to prove, yet again to someone else that we had all the bases covered?

I think there is also a part of telling the story at this point that is a little defensive. Although it can be sugar-coated and responsibility shifted, two children were failed. An intention and a dream was failed. It is not uncommon and it is completely “justifiable”. Nonetheless, it does merit a backstory.

J- and I have probably been more public in the last few months and we have been in the position of telling people about the disruption who hadn’t heard. We are often greeted by these people with looks of either excitement, ready to inquire about the girls or that they can tell something is wrong… they are not seeing what they were expecting to see. Although the way that I tell the story has become a little robotic, each time remains difficult. I am still baffled by the fact that there are no “right” answers. I am still angry that I ended up with a kid that all the books in the world could not help me better understand or support. How can this be conveyed on a curbside encounter? Luckily, people are surprisingly aware of adoption issues, so sometimes it can. Most of the time, we just try to focus on the ways that we are moving on and plan to try again.