I appreciate the congratulations that people are offering me.  I am thrilled to have S- with us and I know that others are happy for me.  It is another step forward in our journey as foster parents and the first time that I have been this close to a newborn infant.  I also appreciate the visitors and gifts that have been so generous and wonderful.

On the other hand, it is important that people understand that currently, I am only mom temporarily, foster mom that is.  So, it isn’t congratulations on your new baby. It is closer to congratulations on your babysitting gig.  Of course, I am being flip. It is really something in between.

Any joy that we are experiencing with Baby S- is because her birth mom is having a rough time. Rough enough that she is not able to take care of her daughter right now.  I have met her and witnessed how devastatingly sad this is for her.  It is my job as a foster parent to be an ally to the birth mom and to support Baby M- in whatever decisions that the courts make about her future even if our role in it will be limited or non-existent.

It is natural to be curious about the kid, her birth mom, where she came from and the likelihood that she will be able to stay with us.  Unfortunately, each question, even those as simple as her name are hard for us to answer.  Sure, the birth mom gave her a name, but if she is adopted by us will we change her name?  She is 15 days old, does she really need a name?  And other questions, we don’t know what the answer is or the answer just feels complicated. Questions about what will happen from here involve taking guesses based on details that constantly surfacing. I am afraid that sharing those just begin exposing how vulnerable little S- really is and open up her and her birth mom to judgements and speculation.

J- and I have decided that what I have written above is all that we will say about Baby S-’s situation.  Anything else that I may have heard is yet to be confirmed or is simply none of anyone’s business, to be crass. Any additional information can only taint people’s impression of the baby or mom rather than give any real sense of what the kid’s future will look like.

In general, CPS cases have several phases.  In the initial phase, CPS investigates. They assess the birth mom and decide if she will be offered reunification services and which services they will be. They learn about the family.  If they can, they will track down the birth father and look into his family. At any time, the baby could be moved from our care into the care of the birth family. If the birth mother is offered reunification services, she will have a certain amount of time to meet the criteria set out by the court. If she does not satisfy the case plan, the court has to decide what to do from there.

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It started with the first phone call.  We hadn’t fully thought through what to do when it came. We were reacting to our last experience where we felt so prepared and confident and thought we had everything planned out and ultimately all o fthat preparation didn’t make much of a difference.  This time, we’d take things as they came. We would invest and plan less.

We have also talked about the possibility that we will “just” be foster parents for some time.  We will try not to be attached to permanency and adoption. We will go with the flow.

We assumed that we would be able to talk about it.   I was giving a massage the first time the phone rang, so J- asked if he could call them back. By the time I got out of my session, they had found another home for this 3-week old baby.  There was very little information about the kids situation, but if we had a chance to talk about it, it would have probably been a “yes”.  It is hard to imagine turning away a 3-week old baby for any reason.

So after that call, I realized the panic that I would experience if we got another one of those phone calls and we didn’t have a crib or diapers or a single bottle.  We got furniture from craigslist and went down the baby aisle of Target and got one of everything.

Since then, we have received 3 more calls. They have all been between 9 and 11 am and they have all been about children under 2 years of age.  3 of them have been for children needing immediate, emergency placement.  They haven’t worked out for a number of reasons, primarily because we took week-long vacation right after we became certified.

We are looking forward to more calls and are ready to say “yes,” even if it is just to get this process rolling.

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The other important thing that she said was that we are responsible for screening the call.  We are responsible for deciding whether the kid is the right kid for us. It is nice that this is so out in the open and obvious this time. Other than the number and age of children that we could take, we gave little other information to the county about our criteria.  On the other hand, the last time that we went through this it was our impression that the social worker’s would have some role in ensuring a good match.  I was never really able to recover from the frustration and disappointment with our agency when this did not happen.

So, we are currently lining up resources of people that we can talk to in an emergency about the situation.  Our therapist, our good friend the social worker, our friends who are also fost-adopt parents.  I do feel certain of my criteria, but I don’t feel very certain of my ability to determine whether that child meets my criteria or whether I can say no if it is not certain.

Then, I think of how much more experience that we know have in our understanding of a child’s history and behavior and attachment.  I also remember that this time around my mantra is all about staying calm, no matter what.  So the next time the phone rings, I will take a deep breath…and say “Hello…”

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Big includes just about anything that involves a crowd, crossing bridges or nights later than 11pm.  Writing that makes me feel old and boring, but I actually think I am just discovering my comfort levels and where I find satisfaction. I can have fun at big events, but many times I do not.  Many times, I spend the time hopping from one person to another that I haven’t seen in a long time and don’t really get the depth of contact that I really enjoy.  It is also pretty likely that if I go to a big event that I will get a cold or flu after or at least need a day of recovery from exhaustion.

Another category that I have struggled with is “new”.  I have also been increasingly feeling like I want more time for the the things that I am already doing rather than inviting new projects all the time.  I do crave new things, but I have begun learning to contain them. I now try to start new things as a short-term project with a specific scope and completion time or projects with built in limits.

So, focusing on work, self-care, music, home and friends has been the order of the day. Especially as it is winter and I am preparing to be a mom again.  Keeping it simple is actually all I can handle.

I have also been working on being under-committed rather than over-committed. I remember my friend Chance being available to help me out on a moment’s notice and that being such a relief so many times.  He said that he was available to help because he actually really didn’t do anything himself, but being available for others IS doing something. I am grateful that I have the stability and availability to be Chance for others.

I put off making any Thanksgiving plans, partly because I just couldn’t decide what I wanted to do.  We had plans with our friend Al- the next day.My family seemed coll with skipping it, but I was invited to my good friends who lives a little over an hour North.  J-and I have been really burnt out and I wasn’t sure about the driving.

Turns out that Al- went into the hospital with sepsis.  She was really scared and I got really scared .  All I really wanted to do is hang out with her and luckily, she needed me to.  So, I got to spend part of Thursday and Friday with her at the hospital and I was so happy to just to chill and have her know that I was in the same room (she slept most of Thursday).  Her partner made an awesome dinner, I helped her eat and then took the rest home to share with J-.

Instead of stressing out on the road and stuffing myself sick, I spent a sweet time with someone that I love and haven’t gotten to see too much lately.  I did miss my other loved ones, but I know I will see them very soon.

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“We have to fill out the paperwork, which should be pretty easy since we have done it before. The paperwork includes references which may take a few weeks to get back.  We also have to go down to the county and get fingerprinted and it takes a while for those results to come back.  When we decide to, we could be ready for a placement within a month or so.  But, it is possible that there will not be a good placement for some time.  The most important thing for us this time through is to not feel too rushed or worried about anything.”

So now, our references and the fingerprints are in process, probably nearly done. We could receive a call any day saying that we are ready for our final home inspection.

Another part of the answer that we were sort of leaving out is that we have a house guest, N-.  We have never been sure how long she would be staying with us, so we have been waiting to see how her situation evolves.  She is great to have around, in general, and as a nurse and mother of 3 would be a great person to have around with a baby.  Unfortunately, she has been pretty ill lately.  So ill that she has had to be in and out of the hospital.  It has been touch and go and hard to imagine having a baby or kid in the house.  Until now.

Late last week, my friend ZM called saying that her beautiful daughters have a brand new biological sister who was born on the 17th in an area about 4 hours away from us.  That county had called her to see if she could take the new baby.  Although she would like more kids, hers are 2 and 4, plus she has a very active business and is a single mom.  She decided it was too much for her.  Although she told the county about us, the county is first trying to place the baby in a home within their county.  There is a slight chance that those homes won’t pan out and ours will become an option.

Meanwhile, our roommate is improving and willing and able to live with a baby. We feel lucky for our spacious house which could allow N- to recover even with a baby in the house.  It does add a variable to our certification process and we remain unsure whether all of these things can be worked out if the little one does become a possibility for our family.

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Then, I asked our friend who is a social worker with A- county about breastfeeding foster kids.  Apparently, it requires a court order. At that time, we were still pretty far off from entering the matching process, so I let go of it.  We finished our PRIDE classes  and I had a renewed motivation to start pumping (but are still a few months from entering matching).  I figured, I would never regret trying to see if I can produce milk, even if we don’t have a kid that will breastfeed.  And the way that we are talking about setting our criteria, there is a good possibility that we would be able to get the court order to allow breastfeeding.

A lactation consultant had told me that if you produce milk once, it is always easier the second time.  Starting now would be an initial indicator of what I would be capable of later and would help me determine whether I would need to use drugs to lactate.

So, I began to pump on a regular schedule, every 2-3 hours.  My nipples hurt and cracked, but I was producing drops from the very beginning. I came down with a case of the swine flu a few days after I started pumping and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. First I cut down on how often I was pumping and as my symptoms got worse, I had to cut it out entirely. At the peak of my pumping, which may have been on the 2nd or third day, I got about 7 drops from my left breast (which seems to be slightly larger and more productive.

About a month later, I started again and immediately had an even bigger production, about 11 drops.  Part of what I had read was that pumping never works as good as a baby and looking at photos of babies and fantasizing about them may help stimulate the oxytocin required for let down.  I bought Sleeping Beauties which was filled with large, glossy photos of sleeping newborns.  I would spend the 20 minutes pumping starting at that.  But over the course of a few days, pumping regularly, I got less and less until I wasn’t producing anything. Had it been saving up over the month that I had stopped? Why did it get to be less and not more?

Although it seems that some people are able to induce lactation without meds (the primary being domperidone), the vast majority are only able to produce miniscule amounts. It may be in part the difference of those who have lactated previously.  One thing is agreed at the forums at adoption.com, it is much easier and much more likely to work with meds.

So again, I have put this process on temporary hold.  I will likely wait until we are matched then pursue meds if it makes sense at that time.

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The magic tripod that allows me to maintain a highly productive lifestyle collapsed. Some Exercise, Decent Diet and Stress Management (are the three legs) stopped happening. I KNEW it was a mistake, but I scheduled two big events on the same weekend. I cooked for the anarchist cafe AND organized and held a big meeting for a new project that I am launching. And of course, the former exposed me to a whole lot of germs in black hoodies.

So, it is sort of a case of hard-to-prevent bad timing, but even before that, there were too many commitments with not enough fun. Even some of the things that used to be fun turned into areas of stress and obligation for me.  I did start dropping some things before I got sick, but there are some things that I just couldn’t budge without a crisis. Meanwhile, Zombie mom posted about her own work-a-holic nature, which made me raise my eyebrow, but it is easy for me to deny this since I don’t have just one “job” and most of my projects don’t pay money.

This all fits in with a parenting article that I read recently about the importance of unstructured family time. In particular, parenting in the last decade faces critiques for not providing enough outlets for children to entertain themselves and, in turn, has limited their initiative in  creative play.  What is best for kids developmentally (and maybe for people in general?) is having more unstructured family time, where you are just chilling out and someone says, “Hey, let’s play Monopoly” or “I am gonna build a cabin out of these Lincoln Logs” or “Wow, mom, the fridge is really dirty! Can I clean it?”  Of course, this is about not having your self and your kids in too many commitments.  I really don’t wan to be a mom that ignores her family because she has to work all the time or a soccer mom that lives and breathes to drive her kid to the next activity. Not to mention, that I want to MODEL myself as an adult that takes care of herself, making time for my own dental appointments and taking time to sit in the sun with a book and a cup of tea every once in a while.

A while back, my therapist gave me a great tool to frame this all in.  It is sort of a zen approach, where I think of all the activities that I participate in without obligation and as something that I am choosing to do right now, not necessarily forever.  Both setting my commitments up that way (with actual or potential end dates), but also giving myself the opportunity to change my mind about things as I go feels ridiculously revolutionary.

Being sick for a month also gave me a clean start. When I had to put everything on hold to vomit and lie shivering in bed, it was a reality check that I COULD do that.  My clients love me and they waited for me, I am not so poor that I can’t miss some work time every once in a while.  It was sort of like hitting a reset button. My diet cleaned up, my routines disappeared, and gee golly, the world didn’t freakin stop and my life actually didn’t change that much. Oh, I did lose 5 pounds.

So the upshot is cool new projects that will hopefully move my career in a good direction and a break (and exodus?) from the projects that aren’t serving me.  A renewed intention to focus on my career, both serving my clients and also moving my work in a direction that will be sustainable for me on a longer term.

More importantly, was the not-so-gentle reminder to take care of myself. Oh, and hang out with my dogs more, who seem to be magical converters of stress and obligation into joyful, frolicky runs, furry-soft cuddles and long lazy nights of sleep.

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Inevitable emotions came up around the holidays.  In making plans for Thanksgiving, I had a phone conversation that made my mom cry.  I am glad that my mom cries, I sort of like to cry.  But, it is not easy to have my mom cry, especially on the other end of the phone, especially with grief that has come through my channels.  Hanging out with other kids and having a more empty house both led to comparisons of  last year, when our lives were filled with beginnings, chaos and hope.

We had made it our goal for the last half of 2009 to spend time with kids that we know.  This ended up happening a lot, especially for J-, with trips to the zoo, the science museum, the movies and circus and childcare.  It was a real treat to hang out with kids that had some combination of being thoughtful, articulate, minding, having emotional control, and being able to process information that they were taking in.  At first, it was hard for me to relax around them. I was just expecting at any minute for them to lose it and to have to deal with some sort of big confrontation.  It was also validating and sad to see how developmentally behind T-7 really is.

The end of the year was punctuated by the fact that we would be re-entering the system in January (which we have).  We decided that we would be working directly through A- County and are halfway through the PRIDE classes. We will still have a logistically tedious licensing process ahead of us over the next few months, with CPR, fingerprinting, TB tests and references to deal with. Since we theoretically could be matched again in the summer,  it is time to clean up loose ends that have accumulated over the last year.

So, the beginning of the year has thus far been characterized by work.  My massage practice is the busiest that it has ever been, plus I am playing music 1-2 times per week and have a few new projects that I am starting.  J- decided to teach intersession at his university because we are paying off some preschool debt.  And, we have decided to make it a goal for our year to save the big bucks for a new roof.  Before we matched with the girls, we had tried to knock out any projects on the house that we would want done for a while.  I can’t say that we forgot about the roof, but it wasn’t really a realistic project at the time.  I am grateful that it has been holding up thus far in this weeks storm!

Other projects are happening in all parts of our lives.  Initially, we settled back into a few ofthe routines that we had pre-kid. Now, we are filling the time up with other things.  We are still considering a timeline and criteria for our next placement, but we will likely be licensed again by the summer.  Until then, we are going to make the most of a kid-free lifestyle.

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I went to a zine reading the other night by my friend artnoose.  Ker-bloom! #81 was actually sub-titled Artnoose and the Terrible, Horrible, No-good, Very Bad Year.  She writes

My Inner Nietzsche berates me and says that those with power are the ones with the will to power. It ridicules my resentment because it says I can’t be angry at wolves for eating sheep. I hate the Inner Nietzsche; I think it’s a jerk.

Okay, well it is true that you can’t be angry at wolves for eating sheep, but that doesn’t make it suck any less for the sheep, right?  I think we are in just such a predicament, with the terms of our liveliehoods being so far from our choosing.  It is hard to not lose integrity, compromise or get screwed sometimes.

Of course on the most immediate level, my year was defined by 0ur adoption disruption, which J- and I agree is the hardest thing we’ve ever done.  The first months of the year, we spent attaching to T-4 and getting further distanced and discouraged by T-7. The end of the year was spent in recovery. One of the contributing factors to our decision was my mom getting diagnosed with breast cancer.

She has spent the year fighting it through western medical treatment, chemo, radiation etc.  It is not that simple of a story, of course.  She actually had breast cancer  many years ago, which she successfully fought and this new case emerged in the scar tissue of her masectomy. She noticed it some time ago and her doctors reassured her it was nothing. Time passed and eventually, she found a doctor to biopsy. Unfortunately, it had reached stage 2. Additionally, our go0d friend N-’s mom has been near death several times from leukemia. She and my friend  Anandi , who also has breast cancer are both uninsured.

Tristan Anderson got shot in the head by a teargas canister in March and fighting, literally on the edge of life for the rest of the year.  Tristan is not  close friend of mine, but he is a close friend of friends and is a long-time acquaintance. The good news is that it sounds like the setbacks to his healing are behind him and although he has sustain serious cosmetic and cerebral damage, his is finally accomplishing some recovery.

My friends, the hikers were detained in Iran at the end of July.  And still detained. I think of them daily and hope that their spirits are strong. I have so many feelings about this, but there are just too many words to open them here.

I have had many friends experiencing nasty and tragic breakups, the most public of which is zombie mom.

I kinda hate to even mention it in the same context as these other things, but Obama sure has turned out to be a big disappointment to the far left on many counts. (I never really believed it to begin with, but I am sad for the folks that had such high hopes.)  While in 2008, people were getting pregnant with Obama babies all over the place, this year has been.

Good Riddance!

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As she talked so…efficiently, it led me to imagine how many times she has probably told this story. I remember choosing my therapist, in part because I knew that I wouldn’t have to explain the entire story from start. It seemed tortuous to talk to a new therapist after having had 5 therapists and 4 social workers involved along the way. Did I have to prove, yet again to someone else that we had all the bases covered?

I think there is also a part of telling the story at this point that is a little defensive. Although it can be sugar-coated and responsibility shifted, two children were failed. An intention and a dream was failed. It is not uncommon and it is completely “justifiable”. Nonetheless, it does merit a backstory.

J- and I have probably been more public in the last few months and we have been in the position of telling people about the disruption who hadn’t heard. We are often greeted by these people with looks of either excitement, ready to inquire about the girls or that they can tell something is wrong… they are not seeing what they were expecting to see. Although the way that I tell the story has become a little robotic, each time remains difficult. I am still baffled by the fact that there are no “right” answers. I am still angry that I ended up with a kid that all the books in the world could not help me better understand or support. How can this be conveyed on a curbside encounter? Luckily, people are surprisingly aware of adoption issues, so sometimes it can. Most of the time, we just try to focus on the ways that we are moving on and plan to try again.

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