There are a wide-range of attachment-related problems, some that have diagnoses like Radical Attachment Disorder and Attachment Disorganization. Related may be other behavioral problems like Oppositional defiant disorder (which is T-7 current diagnosis).

We have been researching general parenting techniques for many months trying to figure out how to handle our troubled kids.  It took us quite a while to figure out that we actually needed to focus our efforts on learning to parent troubled kids and now we are really honing on the fact that T-7’s attachment issues make parenting her a whole other exercise.

We were first really onto something when we read Daniel A. Hughes book Building the Bonds of Attachment. The book focuses on Katie, who is a composite foster kid of many different children that the author has worked with.  She goes through several placements of both experienced and well-intentioned families that fail after truly admirable attempts to make it work.

Although many of T-7’s behaviors have not been as extreme as some of Katie’s, we noticed many of the overall threads to be parallel.  T-7 always seems ready to move along to the next place, with not much of a feeling of loss or grief from her previous placements.  She looks at J and I as a tool to get what she wants, sometimes as a slave to her needs and definitely not as the people that should be in charge of her. She is only happy when she is controlling us.  She has also had a tendency to sabotage her own experience of happiness, as well as the happiness of those around her.  She is filled with anxiety and rage that manifests frequently.

• We are looking into medications to reduce T-7 anxiety and tantrums.
• We are beginning to work with a therapist who specializes in attachment issues so that we have a better idea of how to help her and how long it will take.
• We have learned a lot about parenting kids with attachment problems and it involves a hell of a lot of control and very little entertainment
• We plan on separating the girls rooms to be able to have more control over the house and help the girls have more autonomy from each other.  We feel that there are many ways that they impede each others developmental progress.
• We have discovered something called “Therapeutic Respite Care,” which we plan on starting to use for T-7.  It is not fun and games, but a lesson that if she cannot behave properly and/or receive discipline for that behavior than she is not going to be able to stay in our home.  The provider means business and understands these kids.  She will spend her time there talking about her behavior, writing sentences and learning.  At this point, we plan on this being the primary respite that we use for her because sending her off to have fun with our friends really only tends to perpetuate her fantasy that she can behave poorly at home and look towards the possibility of having fun with other people and maybe that she will even be moved to a home that is “better”.  When I told her about the consequence of her not being able to stay here when she could not receive discipline, her reaction was “They will have toys and it will probably be better than it is here.” When I told her there will be no toys, she said. “Oh, I don’t think I will like it there.”
• We are working toward reducing or eliminating visits to their birth parents. Ideologically, we like the idea of them, but things are much more complicated than we expected. T-7 finds them very confusing and the last visit triggered weeks of disruptive behavior.  If they are not eliminated, we are looking into other transportation options.  The last return trip took over 4 hours because of the tantrums.
• Maybe most importantly, we are looking for ways to contain our own selves a bit more so that we aren’t too emotionally spent to work or enjoy ourselves a little.  We are actually really shifting our focus from working so hard to figure out all the best answers for the girls. We are acknowleging that this is going to take some time and maybe a long time and learning how to protect the integrity of the rest of our lives a bit more.

I would like to share some good news.  T-4 is at a new full-day preschool! The transition has been a bit hard, it is a great move for her. She gets more articulate, creative and social by the day!  We have eliminated most of her tantrums, although the ones that she does continue to have are still daily and very taxing.  We feel that her attachment to us has gone really well. There is no doubt that we are mom and dad and she seems to mostly get what that means.  We feel that many of our problems with her are age-appropriate and have been learned by watching T-7.

There was a time, which lasted for a few weeks where T-7 came home in a good mood, confident, loving and seemingly happy with few tantrums.  We do hope that we can get back to that place and would love to see her as a kid who worries less and thrives more.

The other important news is that the .26 hearing has been scheduled for July 6th. This is the hearing that will determine whether the rights of the birth parents will be permanently terminated.  It will likely be set for trial at the hearing, since the birth parents will fight it.  We expect the trial to be short and for the rights to be terminated quickly after.  The birth parents have already been denied the continuance of reunification services.  Many families that we have spoken to have named this period as emotionally and symbolically important.  At this point, the logistics and ramifications of the visits to the birth parents are more important to us, but we will take every step as progress.

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