I have begun having a huge problem with insomnia.  My tossing and turning (even with some aids!) is definitely anxiety-ridden.  These nights are always triggered by either an unusual commitment the next day or times that I am having the most serious doubts about the girls.

We are back in a bad spell.  We had a few weeks of good (I did start working on a blog post about this and will try to finish it…I will probably date it retroactively so that it makes sense) and we were actually starting to trust that things were going to get better. Then came last week was horrible and this week isn’t much better.

Problem #1 is that J- really needs to be able to go back to work next semester. I mean, technically, he is working. But his work is seriously suffering.  If he were a lifeguard, he would be the dead one at the bottom of the pool.  Wow, am I glad he’s not a lifeguard.

Problem #2 is that we have also begun having a problem with our respite care.  Our respite providers have been great and we have called on them more than we ever thought we would have to, but they aren’t really able to show up for us anymore.  Many states and agencies provide respite care.  Ours had us set up our own and we know others who have run into problems with this, as well.  On the other hand, starting this week, both of the girls are gone 9-5 M, W, F and 9-3 Tu, Th…  I don’t think what we need is less time with them but for them to be healthy.

Problem #3 is that we are being worn down by the emotional toll that all of this is taking on us.  We have gotten validation from many places that these girls really are extreme (contrary of course to what their social worker told us) and we did not sign up for that.  We aren’t really up for a lifetime of this and maybe not even a year of this.  Getting peed on, spit on, hit and screamed out at least once daily, often for 20 minutes or more is just not something we are willing to keep doing for very long, nor is a 1-2 hour bedtime routine.

We have entered a period of huge transition, so I knew this would be a rough period.  Knowing doesn’t really seem to prepare me very well, though.  It is still just so hard.  T-4 is in a new school, which is soooo much better than her last school and is also a longer day. Ultimately, this will be a great for all of us, but I am sure it is stressful for her and she is now having tantrums during most of her time with us.  T-6 is now T-7, yes we had our first birthday.  It was her first real birthday party, with kid-friends and such and I think anxiety around this led to a lot of our problems this week.

Instead of 2 social workers and 3 therapists, we now have 3 social workers and 5 therapists. Of these 8 people, 6 of them are new.  The girls got transferred to an adoptions worker since the .26 hearing has been scheduled for the end of August.  An A- County worker will be doing “courtesy visits” for the S- County worker as a cost saving measure.  Our Agency social worker took another job, so we have been transferred to another worker, as well.  We have a behaviorist who will begin coming to our home in a few weeks to work on a plan for reducing T-4’s behavioral problems and the girls were accepted as clients for therapists in a program called A Home Within.

It has become very clear that the girls are trading off.  Sometimes there will be a moment when one gets over their tantrum and the other will begin immediately. This is the most obvious level.  On another level, though, they are going through opposite good and bad phases.   In both of these scenarios, the girls take obvious pride in themselves during their “good” phases. Saying things during the others tantrums like, “But I’m being good!”.

Neither of the girls handles discipline very well, although PCIT with T-7 is helping with this (she is learning to take time-outs).  One huge ramification of this and the fact that we are almost always dealing with problem behavior with one of them is that one of us really cannot be left alone with both of them.  If we are and have to deal with discipline, then the other one will be left alone.

So, the way that we have decided to deal with these doubts is to set up an absolute routine that will not change much for 3-4 months and see how this goes. We are identifying all of the major problems that are jeopardizing the girls placement with us and tackling them one by one.

T-4 spends between 20 minutes and 2 hours tantruming at bedtime about 2 out of 3 nights. We have tried everything from reading for over and hour, rubbing her back, ignoring her or just let her play quietly until she is so tired she passes out, time-outs, holding her in bed, letting her get up and jump around and get her energy out.  She simply does not like to go to bed and finds every way to test this. Nothing seems to work for her for more than a couple of days.  None of this is sustainable for us or her.so we are finally looking into some medication for her.

T-7 has a particularly difficult relationship with things. She does a lot of hoarding, doesn’t share and  obsesses over things.  We now have a rule than any thing that she has that is more important than listening to us disappears.  For example, if gets caught up combing her barbie’s hair, which prevents her from brushing her teeth or getting into the car, barbie disappears.  In her worst tantrum, we actually removed all of her toys, which she was using to throw and hit at J-. We brought back a few that we knew were important to her and that we thought she had a healthy relationship with and have given her chances to earn back access to her other toys.  So far they have come and gone because what can be earned can also be lost with bad choices.

T-7 is now very clearly confused about her relationship to her birth family.  After our last visit, she was absolutely crazy for the next week, even having problems at school.  Her birth parents gave her a bunch of inappropriate gifts, which I am sure led to some disappointment, but also led to power struggles between her and I.  She seemed to take the fact that her birth family couldn’t come to her birthday party out on us.  We are now trying to either minimize or nix future birth parent visits, it is just too traumatic and confusing.

We have certainly had doubts all along, but now they have turned from panicked doubts into measured doubts.  We see the depth of these girls trauma and scars and don’t know whether we are going to be the ones to help them. When I used to have doubts I thought, “Wow, what a mistake we’ve made.  Let’s start over with one kid who hasn’t been moved so much.”  Now I think about the hole that would be left with me forever because of our loss and I wonder if we would try again.

One of the things that I have heard is disappointing for all new mothers (and especially foster moms) is the failed expectations that we have.  I have thought all along that I have actually had very few expectations. Now I realize that what is so hard for me is all of the things that are happening, which I really didn’t expect.  I hate running my house like a Nazi. I hate having to constantly threaten and bribe my kids to just get through the day. I hate the idea of putting my kid on meds.  All of the choices that we have are our last ditch efforts, they do not match any of our ideals anymore, they are simply an attempt to see if we can make it to a better time.

cheap gerneric viagra Tiesto Viagra Mp3 generic viagra levitra and cialis pills
can i take viagra Viagra Cheap viagra how it works
herbal viagra forums Generic Online Viagra snorting viagra health
viagra patent levitra, Buy Cheap Purchase Uk Viagra Viagra anxiety viagra aphrodisiac 426.
taking viagra woman Viagra Sale cheap gerneric viagra
generic viagra levitra and cialis pills Viagra Uk Supplier can i take viagra
viagra how it works Buy Viagra Now herbal viagra forums
snorting viagra health Viagra Levitra viagra patent levitra,
Viagra anxiety viagra aphrodisiac 426. Sex With Viagra taking viagra woman
cheap gerneric viagra Genetic Viagra generic viagra levitra and cialis pills
can i take viagra Order Viagra viagra how it works
herbal viagra forums Viagra Canada snorting viagra health
viagra patent levitra, How Viagra Works Viagra anxiety viagra aphrodisiac 426.
taking viagra woman Buy Generic Viagra cheap gerneric viagra
generic viagra levitra and cialis pills Viagra Stories can i take viagra
viagra how it works Viagra Cialis Levitra herbal viagra forums
snorting viagra health Viagra Sample viagra patent levitra,
Viagra anxiety viagra aphrodisiac 426. Viagra Jokes taking viagra woman
cheap gerneric viagra Over The Counter Viagra generic viagra levitra and cialis pills
can i take viagra Comprar Viagra viagra how it works
herbal viagra forums Cheap Generic Viagra snorting viagra health
viagra patent levitra, Viagra Pill Viagra anxiety viagra aphrodisiac 426.
taking viagra woman Prescription Viagra cheap gerneric viagra
generic viagra levitra and cialis pills Online Viagra Sale can i take viagra
viagra how it works Information On Viagra herbal viagra forums