Slow transitions are supposed to be better for the kids. Even if they know their current home is not permanent, they still have attachments to their current caretaker. In the crisis that many foster kids have experienced, they have been yanked from place to place, potentially with little notice. When possible, it is important to give them the opportunity to go through a natural goodbye process.
The slow transition is also part of building the attachment relationships. By the time that the girls move in, they will understand more what they are moving to and what they are having to sacrifice in order to make that move. Most kids in their situation have been convinced that a “forever family” is the best thing for them and when this mythical family comes along, they latch onto it without thinking it through. It takes time for them to get used to the details of it…the realities of a new grandma, changing schools, moving 1.5 hours away…this is all still making an impression on them.
This is also the time that T-4 and T-6 begin learning that they can trust us. They will hear us make promises and see us keep them. They will learn that even though we go away, we will always come back. We have begun developing our own stories about our love and how to cope with the fact that we have to be apart.
We didn’t really know what the transition time would be like when beginning our visits with our girls. So, the social worker set up a very aggressive meeting schedule; weekends and one visit per week, which is a lot to sustain since we live about 100 miles away.
By the end of the first visit, the girls have been very clear that being with us and moving in with us is what they want. Since that visit, each goodbye has become progressively more emotional. Additionally, their current caretaker, D-, has been dealing with a lot of acting out in between our visits.
Over the weekend, we dropped them off late Saturday night and picked them up early Sunday morning, so that wasn’t too difficult. We had a full day with us on Saturday and they would be seeing us again very soon. On Sunday, we walked them to the front door and dropped them off with quick, unemotional goodbyes. For us, this was easy and clean, but I feel that the suddenness had consequences for D- and for our next goodby.
The following visit had to be short because T-4 had an appointment at D-’s house. We did some reading, snacking and rough-housing in the yard. Then we went to dinner. By the time we were done with dinner, we really needed to get going and get back to the house in order to make the appointment…no time for dessert.
The moment that the girls figured out that we were going to the car, which they already knew was going back to D-’s, a short moment of whining immediately switched into full scale tantruming. It didn’t seem like normal tantrum, to me…which would probably be really annoying. Their sobs had a deep tone of mourning and I felt empathy. It made ME cry, thinking of their loss and thinking of my loss and knowing that it IS unfair that we can’t be together yet. That there is something fundamentally WRONG feeling about the process that we are dealing with. By the time we were halfway to D-’s house, they were kicking and hitting their fists, they were so angry.
I mean how confusing, especially for them, to be told, “This is your new family and they are so great…this is what you have been waiting for, but you can’t have them yet. AND you, who have lost and lost and lost again have to trust that they will come back.”
