One of the hardest things about the matching process has been seeing all of the kids that we can’t take.  When we first sat down to look at “the books”, we started at the beginning and looked at every single one. Well, the book was alphabetical, and we live in Alameda County, so it made some sense to look at each one in our county.  By the time we got to Butte County, we realized that we couldn’t keep it up. It isn’t even that there are that many profiles in the siblings books. Some counties only have a few sibling sets. But each one tends to have some hard, sad information. When they are all put together in one place like that, it is a bit overwhelming. 

We had to lay down some criteria and be firm with it.  We only looked at sibling pairs. If there were more than 2, we ruled them out immediately.  We only considered kids within the age range of 1-7 and that were located within 1.5 hours of us. Other factors that we looked at and influenced us were where the kids were in their legal process and whether anyone in their family may contest their adoption. 

On the other hand, we were surprised at how many kids we were interested in.  I think we just expected the worst after having read about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and about common problems with kids in the system.  Many of them had what we thought were minor problems, which appeared to be a result of their living environments as much as anything else. 

So, once we got further along, the question of leaving some kids behind became trickier. Just the idea of attending the picnic had us a bit anxious, we didn’t like the idea of the kids feeling like they were having to perform. We didn’t like the idea of ranking or analyzing them, or having to make judgements based on a very brief interaction with them.  Now that the picnic had arrived, we would actually be meeting kids that we knew a bit about and we also felt like we were performing for their social worker, while also trying to see if we had a good connection with the kids themselves. 

At the picnic, we met 3 sibling sets and they all had their own challenges. Our buddy family had suggested that we imagine the energy levels of the kids and see how it would match with ours. Our social worker encouraged us to think of it as matching their particular personalities and issues to our desires and capacity. It was both of these that ultimately led us to our decision.

It turned out that one of the three sibling sets had parents that were going to contest the termination of parental rights.  We didn’t want to be in a situation like that, so we ruled them out when we found out.  Of the remaining 2 sets, J- and I were leaning in different directions. 

One set seemed more difficult to place than the other, which drew us in their direction. We were unresolved about whether we should take “harder” kids because we could.  Then, after describing the situation to a friend, she said that there was no question that she would take the “harder” pair over the other.  This helped us realize that we simply had comfort with the other pair’s  particular issues and that these issues might rule them out for other people.  The issues that made the kids “hard” for us actually may be well within the comfort zones of other people.

One specific example is that these girls still have monthly visits with their parents which seem to be a good experience for everyone.  I can imagine that many adoptive parents would not see this as a good thing and may not want to continue visits.  We feel that we have a particular capacity and interest in keeping these relationships. This is what made me certain they were the right choice.

In the end, I am not sure that meeting the kids at the picnic made a big difference to us.  The profiles of the kids are surprisingly accurate and thorough and the social workers are very good at filling in the blanks and giving a real impression of who the kids are.  I think the significant difference is for the kids that we will match with.  They have now met us one time in a neutral place that will begin developing their comfort with us.  Well, I suppose that it will make the next meeting all that much easier and more exciting for all of us.