I have seen this movie twice. I first found out about it because it was directed Jonathan Karsh, who I share many friend with from Carmichael, CA. I went to a reunion and people were talking about his upcoming film premier. I didn’t see it at the time, but when I began to get interested in adoption, I realized it was his movie and rented it. I watched it again recently now that I am about to be a foster parent. I wanted to revisit it and to have seen it freshly in order to write this review.
The movie is about the Tom Family. Susan Tom was married and had 2 biological children. She wanted a girl, so she decided to adopt. The agency that placed her first girl, Emily called her about a second child, Margaret whom she also adopted. At some point in this process, she split ways with their father and became a single mom. She became involved with an adoption agency and became hooked. At some point, she realized, it is not a great leap to go from six to twelve to thirteen kids. Margaret was considered special needs due to a brain surgery and from thereon out, she began adopting children with medical conditions and disabilities. When the movie was filmed, one child had already died, another one dies during the filming.
One of the great benefits of the disabilities in her family is the shift in normalcy that the kids experience. Instead of getting stared at for their individual difference, they are stared at as a crazy big family, everyone is getting stared at. The best thing about the movie is that Susan is a straight shooter if there ever was one. She really demystifies adoption, medically fragile kids and attachment issues. Although one of her children becomes abusive, she never fails to love him and fight to get him what he needs while protecting the rest of the family. She never glosses over these issues for the viewer or for her children.
The result is that her kids are totally grounded in reality and their own strengths. They have an amazing amount of self-confidence. One girl that has no legs even says, “I am glad that I don’t have legs, ” because it allows her to do things differently than other kids and makes her a more interesting person.
Susan is very clear that she adopted these kids because she knew that they were her children. She has said no to kids before. These are her flesh and blood, whether they be her bio children or whether they have other people in their life that they call “mom”. She treats them no differently than her bio children. It may not always be the easiest family to live in, but most of the kids believe that Susan is the best mom and seem to feel that they get their needs and desires met as much as any other kid, if not more.
While the movie is certainly fascinating and moving on its own, a great deal of richness is added by watching the “Extras”. The first time that I watched the film, I didn’t leave it feeling completely good about the situation. I was left with a sense of unease about whether Susan is crazy or a good mother or whether she protects her children enough in the filming of this movie. What are her motives for having all these kids or participating in the film? In the context of the family and the nature of the medium, a lot of hard moments are captured and it isn’t always clear why Susan is dealing with them in the way that she is.
Extras include interviews with Susan Tom, Jonathan Karsh and Susan’s biological children, who had moved out before the filming began. In the interviews, she talks about protecting her kids pasts and how she agreed to let the filming happen and under what terms. Susan does a great job of explaining some of the more disturbing things that were filmed and reveals the message that was important for her in participating in the project. Namely, kids with disabilities are just like any other kids and they deserve a home that encourages them to meet their full potential. In her words, “All children are special needs children.” Each one has their own challenges to being happy and successful.
The message that I took from the movie is that we would all be better people and better parents if we were more like Susan. She sees beyond the constraints of biology, personal history and prejudice to see these young people in their real light. Not even the best light, but who they really are. She is not afraid to speak the truth and does not try to protect her children from it, instead she helps her children understand the truth and they have more confidence because of it. If more parents gave their children these tools, I think we would live in a more compassionate place.
