A few months ago, we had our respite parents, R- and N- over for dinner. We had just come back from our first parenting class with the agency and were talking about all of the possible family combinations that may work for us. Then R-, who is black, dropped the bomb. “Have you thought about hair?” I honestly hadn’t that much at that point because we still seemed so far from knowing whether we would have black kids.
What came flooding back to me was seeing a one-woman play a number of years before by a woman named Jackie Thornton. The play was autobiographical and much of it centered around having her hair done when she was young. I remember hearing about the heat burning her scalp and her hair getting pulled until she was in tears. It was tied up in so much emotion, including dread and shame. It was an oft-repeated ritual that affected how she lived in the world and what her relationship with her mother was like.
R- had me terrified. He described the judgment that I would get from people of color who would be critical of white people raising black children. N-, who is white, told me about driving R-’s son to camp and getting attitude from other (white) parents. R- also said that mom is completely responsible for a girl’s hair, there is no way that dad or anyone else will have ultimate responsibility.
I think that my initial reaction to this was one of frustration and hopelessness. I mean, great…we are trying to do this good thing for ourselves and these kids and feel like we can offer a lot of support for African American kids, but that makes us public enemy #1 to other black folks?! In addition, mom’s already take more of a brunt of things when kids that have been in the system lash out. Sometimes a dad was never in the picture; even if they were, it is still mom that ultimately let them down. So what am I signing up for and why?
OK, so past the initial reaction and R-’s reality check, I started getting all kinds of positive feedback and offers of support from the black folks in my life and, of course, it is their opinion that really matters to me. And, I started seeing all of the people in my daily life that I can reach out to for help. X has two girls that are just a bit older than the kids we are expecting, they will be a great resource for toys and clothes. Y has a co-worker in her salon that has taught parents how to care for hair before. Z are two white women that adopted a girl when she was an infant, maybe I can even sit in on a hair session with them before I get kids so it won’t be completely foreign.
I actually think I am a little jealous of black hair; I know it sounds ridiculous because I always get compliments on my hair, including from black friends, who claim to be envious of it. But, first of all, I have always wanted braids since I was a little girl. I’ve always loved the really tiny ones, both straight and when they make patterns on the scalp. I have even been on vacation a few times when they were offering braids on the beach. I’ve been tempted, but always felt that there was something holding me back. I am not sure how they would look on me, I do need to wash my hair regularly and I do think that part of it is cultural appropriation. I felt like it just wasn’t right to take black hair for myself. The same feelings applied to dreadlocks when I got older.
Secondly, there is something really nice about all that time and attention that goes into that hair. Although it can be gory and depressing and there may be ways that the process is supporting beauty standards that are ridiculous, I feel that the culture that I came-of-age doesn’t value putting time into our appearance. Doing hair can actually be a sacred ritual time where a mom touches her daughter. She is building her child’s esteem and designating personal care time.
My friends that do their daughter’s hair every week watch a movie and get pizza. They assured me, “Hair night is actually really fun.” Ultimately, I am really looking forward to it as a way to build intimacy with my girls and push myself into new territory. It is not very often that I need to ask for help and having to ask for help will also pave the road to building community around my new family.
