We knew that there were many ways to adopt kids, although we probably couldn’t have named or defined the methods.  We also didn’t know that the rules of how adoptions happen vary by state and country or that the cost varies considerably and that each method has pros and cons. 

I found the Complete Adoption Book at a used bookstore.  It proved useful for helping us scope out the big picture of adoption.  Our vague understanding of adoption as one big idea became a more clear picture of a several types scenarios that look very different from each other. 

FYI, Here are the basic methods that I will refer to:

• Foster-to-adoption: In California, this method can be done either directly through the county Child Protective Services or with an agency that is contracted and may work with one or more counties within the state.  Typically, a child will reside in your home for 6 months, at which time the parental rights of the bio parents are terminated and the adoption can be finalized.
• Private Adoption: Typically, private adoptions are done with a contract with a mother who is pregnant and is choosing not to keep her baby. If the adoption goes through, the adopting family is responsible for an agency fee, birth expenses and some of the bio mom’s expenses while she is pregnant.
• International Adoption: I don’t know a lot about this, but often the kids are in orphanages of some sort and these adoptions are regulated by the nation’s government.

We had actually decided on our method, without really knowing that we had. We wanted to help needy kids without spending a lot of money. We wanted to help our community by giving kids opportunities that they wouldn’t have otherwise.  We were willing to put in the elbow grease to be hardcore parents…kids with some delays and issues were absolutely okay.  All signs pointed toward foster-to-adoption.

For us, this was a decision that we got reinforcent for at every turn.  We met a couple that had been chosen by a birth mother for a private adoption.  Shortly after, she had the baby and her family decided to keep the baby.  They had already been waiting for a long time to be chosen and were absolutely heartbroken.  They haven’t been chosen again since.

At our first orientation for a fost-adopt agency, we met a couple that had adopted E- from Kazakhstan, who we dubbed as the $50K kid.  They were at the agency because they knew they wanted more kids, but they also knew that they could not go through another international adoption, financially or energetically.  They knew it was going to be expensive, but they didn’t include all the time that they would have to take off of work, travel expenses and the expense of living in another country.  It was also taxing for them to be spending so much time in one place, just waiting…

 We heard negative stories about ALL methods, including the fost-adopt track.  But each the negative stories about our method were outweighed by the positive AND only served to convince us that these were challenges that we were up for.  We heard about kids that needed a lot of therapy, patience and structure.  We heard about the extreme behavior problems of kids that have suffered abuse and neglect and felt hope that we could improve their lives.  We did read about situations that don’t end up working at all; but we also learned that those were exceptions and not the rule.