When my father was in a coma in the emergency room a few weeks ago, I initially didn’t know what to do. I knew that I wanted to go down there, but I wasn’t sure why. I hadn’t been close to my father in over 10 years. He had done things to my mother in their divorce that I had issues with. He was treating himself in ways that I had problems with. And he had done things to me as a child that I had never really reconciled.

I drove down to Watsonville in a horrific storm, hydroplaning on highway 17, going about 40 mph most of the way. It was intense. My husband and brother were with me. We were going down to meet dad’s wife C-, and to meet my other brother, who was on his way.

What I found there was nearly a week long reunion with my dad, who was almost completely unresponsive to what was happening around him. My brothers had been much closer to him over the last decade and my oldest brother, in particular really helped me understand the positives about my father. I reclaimed the ways that I am like him, which are many. It is not that I had been in denial of it before, but I really just hadn’t focused on it in years.

I was also able to discover the positives of my father’s new life. His wife, C- is great. She is someone that I have a lot in common with. She is also the first old lady in my family that hasn’t been crazy. The more I talked to her, the more I realized that it was just like talking to anyone else. You could believe what she said and trust her to understand what you are saying, too. All of the elder women in my family have been nuts in some way or another, so it was really nice to see C- as a model for aging more gracefully.

I experienced a relief that I was so sad and emotional. I think that I had been afraid that my dad was dying and I wouldn’t feel anything, so all of the emotion that I did have was welcome and was the beginning of making up for lost time of being without my dad.

I was able to forgive him, to tell him that I loved him and to thank him for all that he gave me. Initially, I felt like this was the easy way out of actually dealing with my relationship with him. I never had to really process with him why I couldn’t be around him. I never had to confront him with my issues, but here I was experiencing all of this resolution and closure. I mean, that isn’t very fair to him…he didn’t have the peace of knowing that I loved him and was thankful for him. Could he hear me when I told him this as he lay in the hospital?

My friend B- said to me about the passing of her mother. “I was never able to forgive her when she was living, it wasn’t until she died that I was able to form a relationship with her that worked for me.” Although I know that B’s situation was very different than mine, I absolutely related to her words. There were just certain things that couldn’t be done in my father’s life and I am grateful that I can have them in his death.