I had a new client recently that had experienced the tragic loss of a baby. At 24 weeks of pregnancy, just a few weeks before viability of the fetus, she experienced a life threatening illness that resulted in the emergency abortion/delivery of the baby. Not only did I relate to her loss, but I was struck by the way that she told her story to me. It was obvious that she had related this story to people many times. She told it somewhat matter-of-factly, but not without conveying how traumatic it has been for her. She pre-empted the big questions that a health-care practitioner were likely to ask, by simply stating that yes, her health issues have resolved and she and her husband have been doing grief counseling.

As she talked so…efficiently, it led me to imagine how many times she has probably told this story. I remember choosing my therapist, in part because I knew that I wouldn’t have to explain the entire story from start. It seemed tortuous to talk to a new therapist after having had 5 therapists and 4 social workers involved along the way. Did I have to prove, yet again to someone else that we had all the bases covered?

I think there is also a part of telling the story at this point that is a little defensive. Although it can be sugar-coated and responsibility shifted, two children were failed. An intention and a dream was failed. It is not uncommon and it is completely “justifiable”. Nonetheless, it does merit a backstory.

J- and I have probably been more public in the last few months and we have been in the position of telling people about the disruption who hadn’t heard. We are often greeted by these people with looks of either excitement, ready to inquire about the girls or that they can tell something is wrong… they are not seeing what they were expecting to see. Although the way that I tell the story has become a little robotic, each time remains difficult. I am still baffled by the fact that there are no “right” answers. I am still angry that I ended up with a kid that all the books in the world could not help me better understand or support. How can this be conveyed on a curbside encounter? Luckily, people are surprisingly aware of adoption issues, so sometimes it can. Most of the time, we just try to focus on the ways that we are moving on and plan to try again.