In a sense, T-7 prepared us for getting an infant. She taught us that parenting a baby could not possibly be any harder than parenting her.  We were often sleepless, we felt the shock of losing our own individuality and freedom.  Additionally, dealt with tantrums of a 2 year-old in a 7 year-old body. I have spoken to a number of professionals and folks that have found my blog that say they work in locked facilities, with the kids that have the worst possible behavior problems, and nothing is as difficult as parenting a RAD kid.  With T-7, we had no idea at any given time what to do and honestly, we really didn’t want to do it.

T-4 showed us that it isn’t all a horror show.  It is possible for an older kid to succeed with a new family.  She endeared us to the wondrous age of 4.  She taught us that kids are resilient and regression is surmountable and demonstrated with an amazing amount of development within 6 months.  She gave me joy in the intertwining of our lives. I loved seeing her drink up her surroundings and experience life by my side.

We understood the fear taking older children and we were scared of behavioral problems.  We were assured that it didn’t have to be so bad.  I am sure it is possible to find older children in the system that don’t have major behavioral problems, but we haven’t met them.  We have heard of kids with less extreme problems than T-7, but I have yet to hear about one that did not have violent tantrums for less than a period of 6 months after placement. We thought this level of problems were the exception and not the rule.

Now we know that social workers cannot be trusted to know, or to say.  We are now the people that we heard about before, the ones who disrupted, who had such an awful experience that they couldn’t finalize the adoption. We And now all of our friends of friends will hear about us if they consider an older child… The reputation comes from a real place.  And now, we are scared, too.

Since the disruption, I have been softening (and getting attached) to the idea of a younger child.  Preventing a kid from experiencing neglect by getting them young is something we can totally get on board with.  We understand what a hard age 6 and 7 are and what a hard spot T-7 was when she moved in.  I look back at my very different levels of patience and understanding with T-7 and T-4 and I see my own need for bonding and interdependence to build a positive relationship with my child.

We are preparing to start over with completely reorganized or criteria around a future adoption.  We plan to stay local, consider children ages 0-4 and only parent one child.  I am humbled and sad, but also more confident and strong.

I know that any kind of parenting is the hardest thing that any of us can do, it triggers all the crap from our parents and our own inadequacies. I see from my friends, and know in my heart, that no matter how easy or tough my kid is, I am going to have days that I loathe my life.  But I also know that I miss being a mom just about every day.