When I looked at my own expectations for our family. I honestly thought that I didn’t really have them.  I thought that I could take what came and roll with it.  Our agency and therapist didn’t really push us to do the work to paint any picture that we did have.  In the end, I realize that I did have expectations.  I also simply didn’t expect so many things about being a parent of these girls that my lack of negative expectations may have been a more important consideration.  For example, we didn’t expect to not be able to leave one parent with two kids, we didn’t expect to have to have T-7 argue with us when we called something blue and we did not expect a child that was developmentally struggling in every single aspect of her life.

Clearly, my expectations were unrealistic and this happened for a number of reasons.  Firstly, I think it is just a rare person in my generation that doesn’t go through some kind of shock or trauma when becoming a parent.  Most of my friends have had some form of post-partum depression and it has taken them a year to adjust to becoming a mom.  They struggle with at least some anxiety, loss, loneliness, anger, failure or resentment.

And, there is a particular loss experienced by many adoptive parents. The most extreme often being around the inability to birth a child.  I actually thought I was immune to these feelings because we were so excited to have a kid. We had worked so hard towards becoming parents and we were choosing, so strongly, to adopt.

What I didn’t see coming is that the disclosure meeting was so very far from actually disclosing the reality of living with T-7.  And living with a child that had behavioral issues is what triggered all of these aforementioned feelings. I am still not quite sure what to think about that meeting.  Now, I have heard so many stories from others, who also didn’t get adequate information or got outright lies at their meetings. I think that some of the children’s behaviors are just par for the course and not really considered that seriously by the social workers. They know that the first 2 months of living with these children is going to be filled with hellish surprises and most of the time, the parents get through it.

When we were in matching and matching quickly, I became obsessed with creating the perfect kids space and bedroom.  As soon as I found out that these cool theme beds existed, I decided that I had to have one. I searched craigslist for months and had one near miss and finally found another.  It was a lot of work to pick up, a lot of work to paint and put back together. I thought many times that I was crazy for adding this huge project in the middle of all else that we had going on…we were already painting 1/3 of our house, getting furniture and generally scrambling.

But the bed had become a symbol to me.  Actually, it was the symbol of my unnamed expectations. It was a piece of fantasy for me.  When I thought of the bed, I often thought of a time when I was about T-7’s age when I got to go to Sears with my family and pick out my own bed, which was also pink had had a canopy on it.  The bed was about me wanting to give a fantasy that I had when I was a kid, but also about creating my own fantasy family. The bed was a symbol of my love and desire and the warmest most exciting greeting that I could imagine offering.

I had read about RAD and how meeting RAD kids with lots of fanfare and excitement is not recommended, but I was so sure that I was not getting a RAD kid and the bed would be a bed that any kid (that loves pink) would be psyched to move into.  And when we disrupted, I couldn’t believe that the bed had mattered to me.  Yah, the girls loved the bed, but it was something to talk about more than it actually mattered in their lives.  Now the bed was a symbol to me of all of the wasted effort that I had put into things that ultimately made no difference in T-7, in our relationship and obviously not our outcome.

I looked back at how naive I had been and I felt some shame about that. And this stupid princess bed was proof that my fantasy was simply that…a fantasy.  So, my first reaction was to sell it.  I began posting it on craigslist and told some freinds.  Now, push is coming to shove because we have a housemate moving in September 1st.

And now, I am not sure if I want to sell the bed.  I am beginning to reframe how we can try again. How we may live with a child and I am rebuilding a picture of a girl in a castle bed.