After giving notice, I felt as bad as I can remember.  D- and I had talked about the feeling of betrayal we would experience (which had been one of the reasons we had not pursued disruption before, along with the inability to be sure that the girls’ difficulties weren’t temporary).  We had never been very comfortable with the immediate “forever family” language that was forced on us, but there it was, and now we were taking it back. 

Every night, I would lie in bed thinking of ways to go back on the decision.  I could continue to care for and nurture T-7 therapeutically to the best of my ability.  We would survive financially even with the additional respite care, as we would want her to stay overnight on weekends at the respite provider.  We would take her out of her after-school program, which was not serving her (or our) long-term needs.  The attachment therapy combined with meds would help, if we could just hold out…

It was gut-wrenching, heart-tearing.  Now that T-4 had her own room, she was going to sleep much better, and there were plenty of nights where D- would read to her for a while, then she would play quietly, then I would come in and sit with her for another ten minutes with the light out, then leave with a kiss and a smile and an “I love you, Daddy.”  That I had tried to keep her with us was not enough to stop the betrayal.  That I could not imagine life with her sister was not enough. 

D- and I spent the nights working on an 8-page, single spaced document describing all of the girls’ preferences and routines, along with lengthy descriptions of their post-placement regression, their rivalries and possessiveness.  It also contained careful and detailed summaries of their medical histories for the past six months.  D- also put together a version of a “lifebook,” albums with selected photos (some from previous placements, where we had them, which was not very much) including pictures of the hospitals where they were born and their birth certificates.  I made sure their “binders” (files with all their official medical and educational documentation) were clear and up to date, putting together an appointment history as well. We began setting aside things we knew they wouldn’t notice to prepare the packing.

After four days of this, we took them on a trip to Fairyland, with clear and well-established guidelines for T-7 that she was able to describe beforehand.  Nevertheless, after about an hour she began to wander off, refusing to return if called.  I waited for her a few minutes, then we walked over to the play site where D- and T-4 were playing.  I explained to her that she needed to sit with me for a minute before returning to her play, as she was not well under control.  She stood, sat, stood, walked away, and began to play on her own.  I walked over to her, she began to run, I caught her and carried her out of the park as we’d explained beforehand, kicking and hitting.  She continued this for twenty or so minutes while we sat in the car, screaming at the top of her lungs, biting and scratching at me.  And as always, I get the distinct sense that this is, for her, her idea of fun, regardless of how even-tempered I am through the whole time, and believe me, I am very even-tempered. 

It was amazing how this event helped to wash my guilt away. Yes, I would still feel awful about betrayal.  Yes, the day on which we tell them would be the worst day of my life (unless the day they leave is the worst, but it didn’t turn out that way at all).  But this was the clearest possible confirmation that T-7’s problems, whether they are correctable or not, do not have a place in our life. This is not our “work,” and even if it were, it is not clear that we are well-suited to succeed with T-7.  I understand her well enough not to “blame” her for her incapacities, but there is still a sense in which she is “responsible,” in that it is indeed her actions, willful if not considered, that make this placement impossible.  Our day at F-town was, in this way, the best thing that could have happened to me, and enabled me to get through the next four awful days.  It helped me get from guilt to grief. 

xanax compare prices Buy Zolpidem On Sale prices for sleep aid ambien
valium online order Xanax For Sale buy xanax from india no rx?
buy cheap ambien Order Xanax Overnight Delivery pharmacies that send xanax by fedex!
order xanax online! Xanax Sleeping Pill lorazepam depresses hiccups,
buy ativan from discount store? Cheap Diazepam cheap ativan online discount pharmacy
buy xanax by electronic check Fedex Np Prescription Diazepam ativan for panic disorder
“buy ativan 2.5 mg from india” Cheap Diazepam No Prescription “online sales valium”
buy ambien online without rx? Cheap Xanax 32 buy alprazolam online
cheap ativan buy pharmacy online now Xanax Generic Pill cheapest alprazolam!
buy valium phillipines Ambien Cr Generic Buy alprazolam buy xanax without prescription 227.
buy valium us pharmacy Buy Ambien Online buy non genaric ambien online,
xanax order online no prescription Ambien Generic Price xanax cheap no prescription
xanax sales online, Xanax Buy Domain Xanax Atspace Org what color is generic xanax
buy xanax without perscription Ambien Cheap Ambien Buy Ambien Online cheap alprazolam order now no prescription
ambien fedex Ups Overnight Xanax discount generic xanax
buy brand name xanax Fedex Diazepam Cheapest xanax pills super cheap valium 510.
ativan lorazepam buy cheap ativan online Buying Ambien Cr Online Lorazepam on line fedex ativan by fedex 377.
ambien cr buy fed ex delivery Buy Xanax Online Buy buy alprazolam from mexico
cheap generic overseas ativan Order Alprazolam Overnight Delivery cheap ambien without prescription?
buy diazepam saturday delivery Xanax Xr Buy buy valium madre natura
Ativan for sale lorazepam sale 614. Ativan Where To Purchase cheap diazepam
xanax generic price Ambien Sale order ambien from canada
cheapest xanax no prescription Xanax .5 Price Pharmacy xanax peach pill!
valium cheap? Ambien Sleep Pill all about buy xanax!
buying xanax without presciption Xanax Buy ambien blue pill
xanax compare prices Zolpidem Pill prices for sleep aid ambien
valium online order Penalties For Buying Xanax On Internet buy xanax from india no rx?
buy cheap ambien Buy Generic Ambien Online pharmacies that send xanax by fedex!
order xanax online! Price Ambien lorazepam depresses hiccups,